


Skaia Advice Hour

by graveExcitement (arachnids)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Fictional Podcast, Gen, Other Sburb Sessions, Worldbuilding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-23
Updated: 2018-03-23
Packaged: 2019-03-31 17:06:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13979661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arachnids/pseuds/graveExcitement
Summary: Answering YOUR burning, horrifying questions about Sburb.





	Skaia Advice Hour

**Author's Note:**

  * For [raininshadows](https://archiveofourown.org/users/raininshadows/gifts).



> this was a lot of fun - i loved thinking about other wacky sburb sessions. hope you like it!

Upbeat, catchy music played for about half a minute, then faded out.

A soft voice spoke. "Hello. Welcome, everyone, to this week's episode of the Skaia Advice Hour! I'd like to start off by thanking all of our wonderful listeners who comment and subscribe and send us questions! You guys give our lives meaning. And I mean that literally.”

"I'm your host, Joel,” the voice continued. “And my wonderful, shining, sparkling co-host, why, she's practically _made_ of light - "

An audible groan. "Every time -"

“Look, the maid/made puns just don’t get old. This is Anna, everyone!”

“Every Maid hates that pun,” Anna groused.

“Uh-huh, and everyone else loves it. Anyhow, we’ve been getting a lot of new listeners lately, so if you’re new, here’s what’s up. A while back, Anna’s and my session _kinda_ went to shit. It happens, okay? So we’re in a doomed timeline. Big whoop. Issue is, our session’s Time player - and incidentally, only other surviving player - got warped outside our session somehow, and until they get back, they can’t rewind time to fix shit and get us back on the alpha timeline. So that left Anna and I with a lot of time on our hands. What better way to fill up that time by hosting an advice podcast, am I right?”

“Clearly, we haven’t found one yet,” Anna said dryly.

“Aw, don’t be such a grouch! We’re here to help, okay? It’s a win-win: some helpless schmucks - that’s you, audience, I love you - get some dearly-needed advice, and _we_ can avoid succumbing to boredom and despair for another week!”

“Right,” said Anna. “As it so happens, we’re _quite_ qualified in this regard. I’m a Maid of Light, so I specialize in giving much-needed insight on the situation at hand.”

“She can _shed light_ on some solutions!”

She sighed. “And Joel here is a Mage of Blood, so he specializes in anything to do with interpersonal relationships.”

“But as it happens,” Joel said cheerfully, “we are literally the only podcast around, so it doesn’t matter how qualified we are or aren’t - you’re stuck with us, folks!”

“Quite.” She sighed. “Well, that should be enough of an introduction, don’t you think? Let’s look at some submissions.”

“Absolutely! Our first question comes from a Prince of Time named Sara, who writes…

_Dear Joel + Anna,_

_Hi. Been listening for a while and you guys are top notch. Sometimes you answer questions I didn’t even realize I had. But I don’t think you’ve answered anything in this area yet, so: Do you have any advice for managing especially large sessions? Mine has fifty-two players -”_

“- I’m sorry, WHAT?” Anna interrupted.

“It says ‘fifty-two’ right here, I don’t know what to tell you,” said Joel. “Continuing… 

_Mine has fifty-two players, which is getting really hard to organize. Even just trying to coordinate with my fellow Time players is becoming a nightmare. Any advice?_

_Thanks,_

_Sara.”_

Anna said, “Sara, I appreciate your support and I’m glad we’ve been able to help in the past. So please don’t take it the wrong way when I say: your session is full of fucking lunatics.”

“Aw, we shouldn’t dump on her like that -”

“Fifty-two! _Fifty-two players!_ That’s bugfuck insane! Who _does_ that?”

Joel coughed. “All excellent points, but I don’t think this is particularly helpful regarding Sara’s question.”

“What do you even do in that situation? Elect a Mayor and a City Council? The representative from the Time committee may now take the floor -”

He snickered.

“I’m still just - baffled,” said Anna. “Fifty-two players - that’s like if someone took my entire seventh grade class and put it in a session. Shit - do you think that’s what happened? Some dumbass teacher assigned Sburb for homework?”

“Sara, I am sincerely sorry,” said Joel. “Really, I think we have more questions for you than answers. Um, but my advice is, if you can, try and hold a meeting - in-person if possible - with your fellow Time players. Hunt them down if you have to. It’s you guys who need to be the most organized and the most aware of what each other are doing, so make that your priority. And then, maybe contact the Light and Mind players. They’re the ones most likely to have information about your session and your players’ actions, so get _them_ to coordinate, and you might be able to get your session… somewhat organized. Maybe.”

“Oh, and your Blood players,” he added, “they’re going to be essential to coordinating people and relationships. _They_ might be best suited to coordinating such a giant section, especially if they work with the Light and Mind players.”

“What he’s saying is, form Aspect committees,” said Anna.

“...More or less. Sara, I mean this very sincerely: good luck. You’re -”

“- going to need it,” Anna finished.

Joel cleared his throat. “Right, okay, next up, a submission from Ceryah, a Maid of Void.”

“Don’t.”

“Shh. I wasn’t gonna. Ceryah writes…

_Please help. Our session’s Thief of Heart went crazy and started stealing people’s souls?? And replacing them with his soul? So now there are seven Thieves of Heart running around. I’m the only one left who isn’t him. He can’t find me thanks to my Void powers - I’m godtier, btw - but I really want my friends back. Please advise.”_

“Uhhh,” Joel said, “holy shit.”

“That’s… terrifying,” said Anna. “I am so, so sorry.”

“Yeah. That’s… yikes. I mean, sometimes players kill each other, we get questions about that every now and then, but this is a whole new level of horrifying.”

“It really is,” she said. “Okay, this is a risky suggestion, but if you can identify the original Thief of Heart, and incapacitate him, that might break his hold on your friends’ souls. You might have to kill him, though.”

“That or persuade him to let them go willingly,” Joel added, “but _don’t_ try that if it means he’d be able to turn you into him! Your safety takes priority.”

“Absolutely,” said Anna. “Whatever you do, please be careful. I hope you’ll be okay.”

“Me too.” He sighed. “Okay, here’s our next question, from Anonymous.

_Dear Joel & Anna,_

_First of all, thanks so much for making this podcast. I was devastated when the world ended and I realized there would be no more new episodes of any of my favorite podcasts. Ever. So your podcast helps soothe those wounds._

_Okay, now to my question. I have a crush on one of my fellow players, and I was hopeful that they might reciprocate. Let’s call this player B. But then shit went down and I died, and B had to kiss my corpse so that I could revive via dreamself. Now B’s avoiding me, both in-person and over messaging. Was kissing me really that repulsive? Or are they just feeling awkward? Please help - what do you think the issue is, and what should I do? Do I have a chance with B?_

_Thanks,_

_Anonymous.”_

Anna snorted. “I’ll leave this one to you, oh Blood player.”

“Right,” said Joel. “Okay, Anonymous, the first thing you need to know is that _kissing a corpse is always awkward._ There are virtually no exceptions to this. It is never romantic unless you’re a real weirdo. It is always gross and awkward. So if B’s feeling awkward because they had to kiss your dead body, I don’t blame them, and you shouldn’t either.”

“It’s never a fun experience,” Anna put in.

“It’s really not. Secondly, Anon, this is one of those situations where communication is key. And I know what you’re thinking right now - ‘but _B_ isn’t communicating with _me!’_ And as true as that may be, as long as both of you are awkwardly wondering what each other are thinking about this situation, nothing will happen. You have to reach out to B and communicate plainly what you’ve told me - that you have feelings for them, and you want to know if those feelings are returned.”

“And if they say no, respect that!” Anna added.

“Absolutely. You have to respect their decision. But you also have to be upfront about what you’re feeling, because otherwise the two of you will just dance around the topic and nothing will happen.”

“Joel knows what he’s talking about, anon.”

“I had fucking better, ‘cause we’ve gotten endless questions much like this one. General advice, people: communicate what you’re feeling instead of keeping everything hidden and bottled up because you’re afraid it’ll make things awkward!”

“Yep. Okay… what’s the next question?”

Joel cleared his throat. “This is from a Rogue of Hope named… Hope. I - don’t glare at me, I’m not making that up, it really does say ‘Hope.’ Honestly.

_Dear Joel and Anna,_

_This is incredibly urgent, please answer ASAP. We’ve known from the start that we’d have to fight something else after our supposed ‘final boss’ fight, that the Black King wouldn’t be our final enemy. So we prepared accordingly. But what we weren’t expecting was that we’d have to fight the fucking UNIVERSE FROG -”_

“The fuck?”

“Let me finish.

_The fucking UNIVERSE FROG. We killed the Black King, broke his scepter, and then the damn FROG rose up out of Skaia and is blocking us from our reward. It attacks anyone who gets close and it’s massively overpowered and - how do we fight the fucking universe?? HELP_

_-Hope”_

There was a full minute of silence.

“What the fuck,” whispered Joel. “What the actual fuck.”

“That is… ludicrous,” said Anna. “That’s. What?”

“I don’t…” He trailed off.

“Okay,” she said. “Okay, I’m having trouble wrapping my mind around this, but, the one thing I do know is, _if you kill the frog you destroy your universe._ You know. The universe you’re supposed to enter as your reward for winning? So _don’t kill it_. I’d advise against wounding it if possible.”

“It’s the damn thing everyone kills the Black King and Queen to protect!”

“Quite. Hope, my only other advice is that, seeing as your session has now become _incredibly_ non-standard, you will have to find a non-standard solution. I don’t have the answer, but… you can’t fight this head-on, or use standard methods. Think like a rogue.”

“Well said, Anna. You managed to put thought into this and meanwhile I’m just utterly baffled and, to be honest, a little terrified that that’s even a possibility.”

“Oh, I’m horrified, don’t misunderstand me. I just compartmentalized it for a while.”

“Gotcha. Well, I think that Anna and I… have to recover from this. So, Hope, we wish you the best of luck. And to everyone else, thanks for listening.”

“We really do love you, audience,” said Anna. “Even when your questions terrify us with new possibilities.”

“I guess you learn something new about Sburb every day,” said Joel. “Something new and terrifying.”

Upbeat, catchy music played for a little while, then faded out once more.


End file.
